Why Collaborative and Proactive Solutions Is a Game Changer for Parents
Written By: Dr. Jeanette Sawyer-Cohen
Parenting can feel like an endless cycle of frustration—constant battles over homework, screen time, or getting out the door in the morning. Many traditional approaches tell us that if a child isn’t listening, they must need more structure, more consequences, or better motivation. But what if the real issue isn’t a lack of motivation at all?
Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS)—developed by Dr. Ross Greene and described in detail on his Lives in the Balance website—offers a different perspective: kids do well when they can. In other words, when a child is struggling to meet an expectation, it’s not because they’re willfully misbehaving or trying to push buttons. Instead, they’re likely lacking the skills needed to handle the situation effectively.
By shifting from control to collaboration, CPS helps parents and children work together to develop solutions that meet both their needs. It’s a process that not only reduces daily power struggles but also fosters long-term skills like communication, emotional regulation, and problem-solving—skills that will serve children well far beyond childhood.
Collaborative and Proactive Solutions isn’t just a discipline strategy; it’s a relationship-based approach that strengthens connection, reduces stress, and equips families with the tools they need to navigate challenges together. Ready to learn how it works? Let’s dive in.
What Is Collaborative and Proactive Solutions?
Through the lens of Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS), when a child struggles to meet an expectation, the issue isn’t a lack of motivation—it’s that something is getting in the way.
Rather than viewing challenging behavior as defiant or oppositional, CPS encourages parents to take a step back and ask: What is making it hard for my child to meet this expectation? Many behavioral challenges stem from lagging skills—difficulties with flexibility, frustration tolerance, problem-solving, or emotional regulation. When children don’t yet have the skills to handle a demand being placed on them, they struggle. Understanding this shift in perspective is the first step in the CPS model.
Once parents recognize that their child isn’t giving them a hard time, but rather having a hard time, they begin the next phase: defining expectations in the form of unsolved problems rather than labeling behavior as “good” or “bad.” For example, instead of saying, “My child refuses to get ready in the morning,” parents would reframe it as, “My child is having difficulty getting dressed before school.” This reframe shifts the focus from compliance to collaboration and helps lay the groundwork for proactive problem-solving.
Only after parents have internalized this new mindset and practiced identifying unsolved problems do they begin the structured problem-solving conversation with their child. This conversation begins with what CPS calls the Empathy Step, where parents ask their child open-ended questions to gather information about what’s getting in the way. Instead of assuming they already know the reason behind a child’s struggles, parents take the time to listen and truly understand their child’s perspective before moving toward solutions.
From there, parents and children work together to find solutions that are realistic and mutually beneficial—not simply imposed by the parent. This collaborative process helps children feel heard and respected while also teaching them critical life skills, including communication, problem-solving, and emotional regulation.
CPS isn’t about letting kids “get away” with things or avoiding expectations—it’s about working together to solve problems in a way that builds skills and strengthens relationships. It’s a powerful shift that reduces conflict, fosters connection, and helps children succeed—not just in the moment, but for life.
Why Traditional Discipline Methods Can Fall Short
For generations, discipline has been framed around the idea that children will behave well if they want to—and that if they don’t, they need to be motivated through rewards and punishments. Whether it’s timeouts, loss of privileges, sticker charts, or other consequences, these traditional methods assume that the key to improving behavior is increasing motivation. But what if motivation isn’t the issue?
The Limitations of Rewards and Punishments
Traditional discipline methods—whether positive reinforcement or consequences—focus on getting kids to comply. While they might achieve short-term obedience, they fail to address the root cause of the problem. A child who gets detention for not turning in homework may not suddenly become more organized; a child who loses screen time for hitting a sibling may not magically develop better impulse control. The issue isn’t that they aren’t motivated—it’s that they lack the necessary skills, like flexibility, frustration tolerance, problem-solving, or emotion regulation.
Moreover, rewards and punishments can create an adversarial dynamic, where parents become enforcers rather than problem-solvers. Children who feel controlled or misunderstood may respond with avoidance, resentment, or increased defiance. Over time, this can weaken the parent-child relationship and make children less likely to share their struggles.
Shifting from Control to Collaboration
Instead of focusing on behavior alone, parents learn to identify unsolved problems—specific expectations their child is having difficulty meeting.
For example, rather than saying, “My child refuses to do homework,” a parent using CPS might reframe it as, “My child is having difficulty getting started on homework after school.” This small but important shift moves the focus from compliance to collaboration, opening the door to proactive problem-solving.
Once unsolved problems are identified, the CPS process helps parents and children work together to find solutions that are realistic and mutually beneficial. This process not only reduces conflict but also teaches children the very skills they need to handle challenges more successfully in the future.
The Bottom Line
Traditional discipline methods assume that children could do better if they just tried harder. CPS takes a different stance: if children could do well, they would do well. Struggling to meet an expectation isn’t a choice—it’s a sign that a child needs support, not punishment. By shifting from control to collaboration, parents can help their children develop essential problem-solving skills, build stronger relationships, and create a more peaceful, cooperative home.
The Benefits of Collaborative and Proactive Solutions for Families
When families shift from traditional discipline to Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS), they experience more than just fewer power struggles. CPS fosters stronger relationships, teaches critical life skills, and reduces stress for both parents and children. Instead of focusing on short-term compliance, CPS helps children build the skills they need to meet expectations successfully—not just now, but for life.
1. A New Understanding of Challenging Behavior
One of the most transformative aspects of CPS is the mindset shift it encourages:
Kids do well when they can. If a child is struggling, it’s not because they’re trying to be difficult—it’s because something is getting in the way.
He’s not giving me a hard time; he’s having a hard time. Instead of assuming defiance, parents learn to ask why their child is struggling and what skills might be lacking.
This shift allows parents to respond with empathy instead of frustration, which not only improves their relationship with their child but also makes problem-solving more effective.
2. Stronger Parent-Child Relationships
Traditional discipline methods often lead to power struggles, resentment, or withdrawal. When children feel unheard or misunderstood, they may resist parental guidance altogether. CPS replaces this adversarial dynamic with collaboration, helping children feel respected and supported.
By working together to solve problems, parents and children strengthen their connection. Instead of seeing their parents as enforcers, children begin to view them as trusted partners, which makes them more likely to share their struggles and accept guidance.
3. More Effective Problem-Solving Skills
CPS doesn’t just help in the moment—it teaches children the skills they need to handle future challenges. When kids are invited to be active participants in problem-solving conversations, they develop essential skills such as:
Emotional regulation (understanding and managing frustration)
Flexibility (learning to adapt when things don’t go as expected)
Communication (expressing their needs and concerns clearly)
Perspective-taking (considering other people’s concerns)
These skills serve children well far beyond childhood, helping them navigate friendships, school, and eventually, the workplace and adult relationships.
4. A Proactive, Not Reactive, Approach to Behavior
Many families feel stuck in a cycle of reacting to challenging behavior after it happens. CPS helps parents take a proactive approach by identifying unsolved problems before they escalate into meltdowns or refusals.
For example, instead of constantly battling over morning routines, a parent using CPS might recognize that getting out the door on time is an unsolved problem and work with their child to find a solution—before it leads to stress and frustration each morning.
This approach reduces daily conflict and makes family life calmer and more predictable.
5. A More Peaceful, Cooperative Home
Because CPS is not about “giving in” or being permissive, expectations still matter. But rather than trying to enforce expectations through rewards and punishments, CPS helps children meet expectations by solving the problems that are getting in the way.
When families use CPS, they experience:
Fewer meltdowns and power struggles
Less stress for both parents and children
More cooperation and problem-solving
The result? A home environment where children feel supported rather than controlled, and parents feel effective rather than exhausted.
With Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, the journey takes time, but the rewards—less conflict, stronger relationships, and a child equipped to handle life’s challenges—make it well worth the effort.
The Steps of Collaborative and Proactive Solutions in Action
Before beginning structured problem-solving conversations, CPS guides parents through several key precursor steps that help reframe challenging behavior and lay the foundation for successful collaboration.
Step 1: Shifting the Mindset
Before engaging their child in problem-solving, parents are encouraged to adopt a new perspective on behavior:
“He’s not giving me a hard time; he’s having a hard time.”
“Kids do well when they can.”
This shift allows parents to move from seeing their child as defiant to recognizing that lagging skills—such as difficulty with flexibility, frustration tolerance, or problem-solving—are at the root of the struggle. Instead of asking, “How do I make my child behave?” parents begin asking, “What’s getting in the way of my child meeting this expectation?”
Step 2: Identifying Unsolved Problems
Once parents understand that behavior is a symptom of an underlying challenge, the next step is to identify specific, unsolved problems rather than labeling a child’s behavior as “bad” or “noncompliant.”
For example, instead of saying, “My child refuses to go to bed on time,” a parent using CPS would reframe this as, “My child is having difficulty going to bed at 8 p.m.” This change in wording is important because it moves away from blaming the child and focuses on what needs to be solved together.
Parents should be as specific and predictable as possible in defining these unsolved problems. Rather than saying, “My child doesn’t listen,” they might say, “My child has difficulty stopping screen time when asked.” The clearer the problem, the easier it will be to find solutions.
Step 3: The Problem-Solving Conversation
Only after parents have shifted their mindset and identified unsolved problems do they invite their child into a structured problem-solving conversation. This conversation unfolds in three key steps, beginning with the Empathy Step.
The Empathy Step: Gathering Information from Your Child
The goal of the Empathy Step is not to express sympathy but to gather information about what’s making it hard for the child to meet an expectation. Parents begin by making a neutral observation and asking an open-ended question:
Parent: “I’ve noticed that it’s been hard for you to stop screen time when I ask. What’s up?”
Many children don’t have immediate answers, so patience is key. If a child says, “I don’t know,” parents can gently prompt with observations:
Parent: “I wonder if it’s because you’re in the middle of a game and don’t want to stop?”
The goal here is to listen, not to fix or correct. Parents should avoid jumping in with their own explanations and instead allow their child to share their perspective.
Defining the Problem: Stating the Parent’s Concern
Once the child’s perspective is understood, the parent adds their own concern to the conversation. This should be done in a neutral, non-judgmental way.
Parent: “I understand that it’s frustrating to stop when you’re in the middle of something. My concern is that too much screen time can make it harder to fall asleep, and I want to make sure you get enough rest.”
This step is not about arguing or debating but rather about putting both concerns on the table so that they can be solved together.
Finding a Plan That Works for Both
Now that both concerns are clearly stated, the parent and child work together to find solutions that address both perspectives. The key to this step is ensuring that the solution is:
Mutually agreed upon (not just imposed by the parent).
Realistic (something both the child and parent can follow through on).
Parent: “I wonder if there’s a way we can make stopping screen time easier while also making sure you get enough sleep. Do you have any ideas?”
The child might suggest setting a timer, finishing their current level before stopping, or getting a five-minute warning before the transition. Parents can offer ideas too, but the child must be involved in choosing the solution. When kids feel like their voice matters, they’re more likely to follow through.
Putting It All Together
When practiced consistently, CPS helps families move from constant power struggles to collaboration and problem-solving. Instead of responding to behavior with frustration, parents learn to identify what’s getting in the way, work with their child to understand the issue, and create practical, realistic solutions together.
This approach doesn’t just reduce conflict—it teaches kids the problem-solving skills they need for life. When children learn to articulate their concerns, consider others' perspectives, and work toward solutions, they build flexibility, emotional regulation, and communication skills—all essential for navigating challenges in childhood and beyond.
By shifting from control to collaboration, CPS transforms parent-child relationships, creating a home environment based on understanding, trust, and mutual respect.
Conclusion: A New Path to Understanding and Growth
Parenting is often filled with frustration, especially when a child struggles to meet expectations. But Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) offers a different way forward. Instead of viewing behavior as something to be controlled, CPS helps parents and children work together to understand what’s getting in the way and develop solutions that work for everyone.
Parenting isn’t about perfection, and behavior challenges don’t disappear overnight. But when parents shift from control to collaboration, they create a home environment built on trust, understanding, and mutual respect. The result? A child who feels heard, a parent who feels empowered, and a family dynamic that fosters growth and connection.
All credit surrounding Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) goes to Dr. Ross Greene.
At Everyday Parenting, we believe in empowering families to create meaningful connections and navigate challenges with compassion and confidence. Whether you're seeking strategies to address specific behaviors or simply want to strengthen your family bond, we’re here to support you every step of the way. Contact us today to learn how our evidence-based approaches can help your family thrive.