The 'Shoulds' of Parenting: Breaking Free from Social Constructs
Written By: Dr.Layne Raskin
Every parent knows the weight of the word "should." You should breastfeed for a year. You should limit screen time to 30 minutes. You should raise kids who are polite, independent, but not too independent. The list feels endless, and the expectations can be suffocating. These "shoulds" often come from societal norms that paint a picture of the "ideal parent," leaving many of us feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, and questioning if we’re doing enough. But what if we stopped chasing perfection and started focusing on what truly matters? This blog invites you to challenge the parenting "shoulds," reconnect with your values, and embrace a more authentic, joyful way of raising your children. Let’s step into a space where "good enough" really is enough.
The Origins of Parenting "Shoulds"
The expectations surrounding parenting didn’t appear out of thin air. They are deeply rooted in history, culture, and the evolving norms of society. Generations ago, parenting roles were largely dictated by survival and tradition. Communities raised children collectively, and the rules were straightforward: keep your children fed, teach them skills, and ensure they contribute to the family or community. These roles, while often rigid, were tied to the practicalities of the time.
As societies industrialized, family structures shifted. The rise of nuclear families meant fewer shared parenting responsibilities and an increased focus on individual parental roles. In the 20th century, parenting advice began to proliferate through books, magazines, and later, television. Experts and psychologists introduced ideas that revolutionized parenting, but with them came an unintended consequence: a growing list of rules and benchmarks for what "good parenting" looked like. These guidelines, while often well-intentioned, started to create an idealized framework for parents to measure themselves against.
Fast forward to the modern era, and the digital revolution has turned parenting into what can feel like a public performance. Social media provides a window into others’ lives, but it’s a curated one. Parents are inundated with curated snapshots of “perfect” families—organic snacks, Montessori playrooms, and children hitting developmental milestones early. The implicit message is clear: if you aren’t doing it this way, you might be falling short.
Cultural expectations add another layer of complexity. In some cultures, parenting is seen as an all-encompassing role with mothers or fathers (usually mothers!) expected to sacrifice their personal needs entirely. In others, independence is prized, with parents feeling judged if they appear too involved. These cultural underpinnings shape not only how parents act but also how they perceive themselves and others.
This web of historical, cultural, and digital influences creates the parenting "shoulds" we face today. They often feel less like gentle guidelines and more like unyielding demands, leading many parents to struggle under their weight. Yet, these "shoulds" don’t have to define us. Understanding their origins is the first step toward breaking free and choosing a parenting style that feels right for you and your family.
Understanding the Emotional Toll
Parenting is often described as one of life’s greatest joys, but beneath the smiles and milestones, many parents carry a heavy emotional burden. The "shoulds" of parenting—those unwritten rules about what you ought to do—can turn everyday decisions into moments of self-doubt. When parents feel like they are falling short of these expectations, the resulting guilt and shame can be overwhelming.
This emotional toll is often exacerbated by the pressure to be everything for your child. Modern parents are expected to balance roles as caregivers, educators, and providers while maintaining their own identities, relationships, and mental health. The myth of the “perfect parent” looms large, making it easy to feel like no matter how much you do, it’s never enough. Over time, this chronic sense of inadequacy can lead to stress, anxiety, and even burnout.
Social media plays a significant role in amplifying these feelings. Seeing carefully selected snapshots of other parents seemingly excelling—whether through elaborate school lunches, picture-perfect vacations, or their children’s achievements—creates a sense of comparison. Even when you know these images are just highlights, it’s hard not to internalize them as benchmarks for your own parenting. This comparison trap often leaves parents feeling isolated, as though they’re the only ones struggling to keep up.
The toll isn’t just internal; it ripples outward, impacting families. When parents are weighed down by stress or guilt, they may find it harder to be fully present with their children. Simple moments, like playtime or bedtime, can become sources of frustration rather than connection. Over time, this disconnection can affect the very relationships parents are working so hard to nurture.
But perhaps the most challenging aspect of this emotional toll is the silence around it. Many parents hesitate to share their struggles, fearing judgment or the perception that they’re not good enough. This silence perpetuates the cycle, as it prevents the honest conversations that could normalize these feelings and offer much-needed support.
Understanding the emotional impact of these "shoulds" is crucial. Parenting was never meant to be a solo performance measured by impossible societal standards. It’s a deeply human journey, filled with mistakes, learning, and growth. By recognizing the toll, parents can take the first step toward self-compassion, creating space to breathe and remember that they are not alone in their struggles. The best gift you can give your child is not a flawless parent—it’s one who is kind to themselves, resilient in the face of challenges, and open to connection.
Reframing the Parenting Journey
What if parenting wasn’t about checking off an endless list of "shoulds" but about nurturing connection, growth, and joy? Reframing the parenting journey starts with a simple but profound shift: letting go of perfection and focusing instead on what truly matters—to you, your child, and your family.
1. External Validation to Internal Alignment
One of the most powerful ways to reframe your approach to parenting is to move from external validation to internal alignment. Instead of asking, “Am I doing what others expect of me?” try asking, “Am I parenting in a way that reflects my family’s values?” For some, this might mean prioritizing emotional connection over academic success. For others, it could mean embracing a simpler, less scheduled lifestyle to foster creativity and downtime. When you shift the focus inward, the parenting journey becomes less about meeting societal standards and more about creating a fulfilling family life.
2. Redefining Success
A key part of this shift involves redefining success. Instead of measuring your worth as a parent by your child’s achievements or how closely you adhere to an idealized version of parenting, consider success as the ability to create a safe, loving environment where your child can thrive. This means accepting that some days will be messy, chaotic, or even downright hard—and that’s okay. Children don’t need perfect parents; they need present ones. As you reframe, give yourself permission to embrace the imperfections of daily life as opportunities to model resilience, flexibility, and self-compassion.
3. Mindful of Expectations
Reframing also invites us to be mindful of our expectations. Parenting often feels like a race against time—helping children meet milestones, prepare for school, or achieve certain skills. But growth happens in its own time, and children benefit most from a calm, supportive presence, not a rushed agenda. By slowing down and tuning into the present moment, you can discover the magic of everyday interactions: the giggle-filled playtimes, the quiet bedtime chats, the shared wonder at a butterfly landing on a flower. These are the moments that define a childhood and a parent-child relationship.
4. Value of Self-Care
Another critical part of reframing is recognizing the value of self-care—not as a luxury, but as a necessity. Parenting from a place of depletion makes it hard to show up fully for your children. Taking time to recharge, whether through rest, hobbies, or support networks, is not selfish; it’s an investment in your ability to parent with patience and love. When your children see you prioritize your well-being, you teach them a vital lesson about balance and self-respect.
5. Collaboration Over Control
Finally, reframing the journey allows you to embrace collaboration over control. Your child isn’t a project to perfect but a partner in a lifelong relationship. Letting go of rigid plans and following your child’s lead—whether in play, problem-solving, or discovering their unique interests—creates a dynamic of mutual respect and shared growth. It’s in these moments of collaboration that trust is built, and your child learns that they are seen, valued, and loved just as they are.
Reframing the parenting journey isn’t about doing less or caring less; it’s about focusing on what truly matters and releasing the rest. It’s an ongoing process, one that requires intention, self-compassion, and a willingness to adapt. But in doing so, you create space for joy, connection, and the kind of parenting that feels not just good enough—but genuinely fulfilling.
Redefining Success in Parenting
What does it mean to be a successful parent? For many, the answer has long been tied to external markers: academic achievements, social skills, or how "well-behaved" their child is. While these milestones can feel affirming, they often leave parents chasing a fleeting and surface-level sense of accomplishment. Redefining success in parenting means shifting the focus away from these outcomes and toward the deeper, more meaningful aspects of raising a child.
True success in parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about connection. At its core, parenting is a relationship, not a performance. When parents prioritize building trust, fostering emotional safety, and creating a sense of belonging, they lay the foundation for their child’s lifelong well-being. A child who feels seen and valued for who they are—not just what they achieve—develops resilience, confidence, and the capacity to form healthy relationships.
This redefinition of success also invites parents to consider the qualities they hope to cultivate in their children. Instead of focusing on raising a "high achiever," many parents find that what they truly want is for their child to be kind, adaptable, and happy. These qualities are nurtured not through pressure but through modeling. When parents show compassion, flexibility, and joy in their own lives, children naturally learn to emulate these traits.
Another essential aspect of redefining success is embracing the journey over the destination. Parenting is a long game, filled with ups and downs, progress and setbacks. Success isn’t about having every moment under control but about showing up with love and intention, even on the hard days. When parents release the need to "fix" or "manage" every situation, they can approach challenges as opportunities for growth—both for their children and themselves.
This perspective also encourages parents to focus on the process rather than the result. For example, instead of seeing a tantrum as a failure, it can be reframed as a chance to teach emotional regulation. Instead of stressing over a less-than-perfect report card, it becomes an opportunity to explore your child’s strengths and challenges together. These moments of connection and learning are far more impactful than any single achievement.
Perhaps most importantly, redefining success in parenting involves extending the same grace to yourself that you offer to your child. Parents are human, and mistakes are inevitable. What matters most is how you repair and reconnect after those moments. Apologizing to your child, showing vulnerability, and modeling accountability teach them invaluable lessons about humanity and relationships.
When parents redefine success, they free themselves from the exhausting cycle of comparison and judgment. Success becomes less about societal expectations and more about living in alignment with your family’s values. It’s about nurturing a home where everyone, parents included, feels supported, respected, and loved.
Parenting success isn’t measured by how well your child fits into the world’s mold but by how deeply they know they are loved and valued. It’s in the shared laughter, the quiet bedtime talks, the comfort offered after a bad day. These moments, small but profound, are the real markers of success—ones that will echo in your child’s life long after the milestones have passed.
Letting Go of Judgments
Parenting is often described as one of the most rewarding roles in life, but it’s also one of the most scrutinized. From the moment a child is born (and sometimes even before!), parents are inundated with advice, opinions, and comparisons, leaving them vulnerable to a relentless cycle of judgment—both from others and, perhaps most harshly, from themselves. Letting go of these judgments is essential not only for your peace of mind but also for creating a more authentic and fulfilling parenting journey.
Forms of Judgment
The judgments from others often start subtly: a raised eyebrow at how you feed your baby, a casual comment about your toddler’s behavior in the grocery store. Sometimes they’re more overt, like unsolicited advice about your choices in education, discipline, or lifestyle. These external voices can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that they’re often reflections of other people’s own insecurities, experiences, or cultural values—not an objective measure of your worth as a parent.
Inner Critic
Then there’s the inner critic—the voice that questions every decision, magnifies every mistake, and constantly whispers, “Am I doing enough?” This internal judgment often stems from the pressure to meet unrealistic expectations. It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to an idealized version of parenthood, shaped by social media, family traditions, or societal norms. But the truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to raising children. What works for one family might not work for another, and that’s okay. Try acknowledging that your inner critic is a part of you who is actually trying to help by keeping you on track to minimize future disappointment, while letting her know that it’s ok for her to step back and let you take the wheel.
Having Self-Compassion
Letting go of these judgments starts with self-compassion. Recognize that you are doing your best with the resources, knowledge, and circumstances you have. Parenting is an evolving process, and mistakes are not failures—they are opportunities to learn and grow. When you find yourself falling into the trap of self-criticism, pause and ask: “Would I judge another parent this harshly?” The answer is often no. Extend that same kindness to yourself.
Setting Boundaries
Equally important is setting boundaries with external judgments. Not every opinion requires a response, and not every piece of advice needs to be taken to heart. Practice filtering out what doesn’t serve you. If a comment stings, take a moment to reflect: “Does this align with my values? Does this person truly understand my family’s needs and dynamics?” If the answer is no, let it go.
Community of Support
Cultivating a community of support can also make a huge difference. Surround yourself with people who lift you up rather than tear you down. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or online group, finding a space where you can share your experiences without fear of judgment helps normalize the challenges of parenting and reminds you that you’re not alone.
Reframing Your Approach to Judgment
Finally, letting go of judgments doesn’t mean ignoring areas for improvement—it means reframing how you approach them. Instead of seeing challenges as evidence of failure, view them as part of the natural ebb and flow of parenting. Each day offers new opportunities to reconnect, adapt, and grow alongside your child.
When you free yourself from the weight of judgment, you create space to parent with confidence and authenticity. You can focus on what truly matters: building a loving, supportive relationship with your child and nurturing a family life that reflects your unique values and strengths. In doing so, you model for your children one of life’s most powerful lessons—that they, too, are enough, just as they are.
Conclusion
Parenting isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present, authentic, and compassionate—with your child and yourself. By letting go of the "shoulds," redefining success, and releasing judgment, you can step into a parenting journey that reflects your values and strengths, not societal expectations. Remember, the moments that matter most aren’t found in milestones or accolades but in the love, connection, and resilience you build together. Embrace the messy, beautiful reality of raising a child—it’s more than enough.
At Everyday Parenting, we believe in empowering families to create meaningful connections and navigate challenges with compassion and confidence. Whether you're seeking strategies to address specific behaviors or simply want to strengthen your family bond, we’re here to support you every step of the way. Contact us today to learn how our evidence-based approaches can help your family thrive.