Parenting Through the Lens of Trauma-Informed Care
Written By: Dr.Layne Raskin
Parenting is one of life’s most rewarding journeys, but it can also be deeply challenging—especially when big emotions, past experiences, or unexpected behaviors come into play. A trauma-informed approach to parenting offers a powerful lens to understand and respond to your child’s needs with empathy and care. By recognizing that every behavior tells a story, this perspective helps parents create a safe, nurturing environment where children can thrive emotionally and build resilience. In this article, we’ll explore how to incorporate trauma-informed principles into your daily parenting practices to foster deeper connection, trust, and healing for both you and your child. Even if your child has not experienced trauma, we find these guiding principles helpful for every family and help to foster resilience for the tough times that inevitably come our way.
What is Trauma-Informed Care?
Trauma-informed care is an approach rooted in the understanding that past experiences, particularly those involving adversity or stress, shape how people perceive and interact with the world. It’s not just a framework for professionals in fields like healthcare or education—it’s a deeply empathetic way of seeing and supporting the people we care about most, including our children.
At its core, trauma-informed care recognizes that behaviors are often windows into underlying emotions or unmet needs, rather than willful acts of defiance or misbehavior. For parents, this means pausing to ask, “What might my child be trying to communicate through this behavior?” rather than reacting out of frustration or judgment.
This approach emphasizes the importance of creating an environment where children feel safe—physically, emotionally, and relationally. Safety doesn’t mean just locking the doors at night; it means cultivating a home where trust is woven into daily interactions, where mistakes are met with understanding, and where children know they are loved unconditionally.
Trauma-informed care also highlights the importance of empowering children to have a voice in their experiences. When parents validate their child’s feelings and encourage self-expression, they send a powerful message: “Your feelings matter, and so do you.” This sense of agency can be a cornerstone for resilience, helping children build confidence and navigate challenges with greater emotional security.
Ultimately, trauma-informed parenting isn’t about fixing problems or preventing every tough moment. It’s about shifting perspective—seeing not just the behavior in front of you but the deeper need behind it. It’s about meeting your child with compassion, even when it’s hard, and creating a family dynamic that fosters connection, healing, and growth.
Understanding Trauma in Children
Trauma in children can feel like a hidden force, shaping behaviors and emotions in ways that are not always immediately obvious. For young children, who may not yet have the words to express what they feel, trauma often shows up in their actions. A child who seems withdrawn or avoids eye contact may be struggling with trust, while another who has frequent outbursts may be overwhelmed by emotions they cannot yet regulate. Understanding trauma means learning to look beyond the surface of these behaviors and seeing the underlying needs they reveal.
Children experience trauma in different ways depending on their age, personality, and circumstances. For very young children, the world is experienced through relationships. When those relationships are disrupted—whether through loss, instability, or conflict—it can deeply affect how a child views themselves and the world around them. They might begin to expect unpredictability or even danger, responding with heightened sensitivity to changes in their environment.
For instance, a preschooler who becomes unusually clingy after a parent’s absence might be expressing anxiety rooted in a fear of further separation. Similarly, a toddler who reacts with aggression during transitions, like leaving the park or starting daycare, may be signaling an internal struggle with feelings of insecurity or powerlessness. These responses, while challenging, are attempts by the child to make sense of and manage their internal world.
Trauma doesn’t always stem from dramatic events; it can arise from subtle, ongoing stressors like frequent moves, financial instability, or exposure to high levels of parental stress. Importantly, children don’t need to experience these situations firsthand to be affected—simply witnessing adult distress can shape their emotional landscape. This is why a supportive and emotionally attuned caregiver is one of the most critical buffers against the lasting effects of trauma.
Recognizing trauma in children also requires understanding the developmental context. Young children tend to view the world in concrete terms, and their reactions are often immediate and physical. They don’t yet have the capacity for abstract reasoning, so their behaviors are their communication. This means that even disruptive behaviors are meaningful—they are signals of what the child needs but cannot yet articulate.
Reactions to trauma in children are wide-ranging. On the surface, we may not be able to tell if a child is having a trauma reaction or whether their behavior signifies a different type of concern. For example, a child who is distracted may in fact have ADHD or they may be preoccupied with thoughts and feelings related to a difficult experience. Since children are typically not able to avoid reminders of a traumatic event, their attempts to do so may appear oppositional. If your child has experienced a potentially traumatic event and you are not sure whether they are having a trauma response, a mental health professional can help assess and set you on the right path. If your child “doesn’t seem like himself” that is a good reason to consult with a professional.
The good news is that children are remarkably resilient, and the presence of a responsive, caring adult can make all the difference. By approaching challenging behaviors with curiosity and compassion rather than frustration or punishment, parents can create a sense of safety that allows their child to begin to heal. This is not about excusing behaviors but understanding them, responding in a way that helps the child feel seen, heard, and supported.
Understanding trauma in children involves shifting our lens—from seeing behaviors as problems to seeing them as invitations to connect. When we do this, we give children the gift of knowing they are not alone, no matter how overwhelming their feelings may seem. This connection is where healing begins.
Below are some trauma-informed principles that are helpful for every parent-child relationship:
Building Connection Through Empathy
Empathy is the bridge that connects us to our children’s inner worlds. It’s the ability to see a situation from their perspective, to feel with them, and to communicate, “I’m here with you in this moment.” Building connection through empathy is not about fixing problems or erasing discomfort; it’s about being fully present and showing your child that their experiences and feelings matter.
Big Emotions
For young children, emotions often feel big and overwhelming. They don’t yet have the language or tools to process what they’re experiencing, so their feelings often spill out as tantrums, tears, or even silence. In these moments, empathy becomes a powerful tool for connection. Instead of reacting to the behavior itself—whether it’s whining about bedtime or refusing to share a toy—empathy allows us to focus on the underlying need. What is my child feeling right now? What might they need from me?
Step Into Their Shoes
For instance, when a toddler is melting down because it’s time to leave the park, it’s tempting to rush them along or demand compliance. But stepping into their shoes reveals something deeper: they’re not just being defiant; they’re grieving the end of something they were enjoying. By acknowledging their feelings—“I know it’s hard to leave when you’re having so much fun”—you validate their experience and show them you care about their emotional reality. This doesn’t mean you change the boundary, but it transforms the interaction from a power struggle into a moment of connection.
Navigating Emotions
Empathy also helps children learn to navigate their emotions. When we narrate their feelings—“You’re feeling frustrated because you wanted another turn”—we give them the language to understand and express themselves. Over time, this builds emotional intelligence, helping them manage their feelings more effectively and fostering their ability to empathize with others.
How You Show Up
But empathy isn’t just about what we say; it’s about how we show up. Children are extraordinarily attuned to nonverbal cues like tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. They feel the difference between a hurried, distracted “It’s okay” and a warm, attentive “I’m here.” Slowing down, getting to their level, and offering your full presence signals to your child that they are important and that their emotions are safe with you.
Help Them Feel Understood
This kind of connection lays the foundation for trust. When children feel understood, they are more likely to open up, seek comfort, and collaborate. They learn that relationships are a source of safety and support, which strengthens their ability to form healthy connections throughout life.
Empathy for Yourself
Building empathy as a parent also requires extending it to yourself. Parenting is hard, and it’s natural to feel frustration or exhaustion when your child’s behavior challenges you. When you catch yourself reacting instead of responding, take a moment to pause and reflect: What am I feeling right now? By practicing self-compassion, you model for your child how to approach emotions with kindness, even when they’re tough.
Ultimately, empathy is the foundation of a strong parent-child relationship. It communicates that love is not conditional on good behavior or quiet compliance. Instead, it says: “I see you, I hear you, and I accept you just as you are.” Through empathy, you nurture not only connection but also the emotional security your child needs to grow and thrive.
Supporting Emotional Expression and Resilience
Supporting emotional expression and fostering resilience in children are deeply intertwined. When children learn to recognize, understand, and express their emotions in healthy ways, they build the emotional strength they need to navigate challenges and bounce back from setbacks. As parents, we play a vital role in creating a safe space where these skills can develop.
Encouraging Emotional Expression
Young children often experience emotions intensely, but they lack the words or tools to communicate what they feel. This can lead to meltdowns, tantrums, or withdrawal. Supporting emotional expression starts with helping children name their feelings. By observing and narrating their emotions—“You seem frustrated because the block tower fell”—you give them the language they need to understand and articulate their inner experiences.
Validating their feelings is equally important. It can be tempting to dismiss big emotions with phrases like “It’s not a big deal” or “Stop crying,” especially when we’re tired or overwhelmed. But for a child, every feeling, no matter how small it seems to us, feels significant. Instead of minimizing, acknowledge their experience: “It’s okay to feel upset about that.” This validation teaches children that their emotions are normal and acceptable.
Rituals and routines can also help children express and process their emotions. For instance, sharing “highs and lows” at dinner or drawing pictures about their day can encourage them to reflect on and share their feelings. These practices build emotional literacy while reinforcing that emotions are a natural and shared part of life.
Books and storytelling are powerful tools for emotional expression. Stories can help children see their own feelings reflected and provide a framework for understanding them. For example, a story about a character overcoming sadness can open a conversation about a child’s own experiences with similar emotions.
Building Resilience
Resilience is the ability to recover from adversity, and it grows from repeated experiences of overcoming challenges with support. When we allow children to face difficulties and work through them—while providing guidance and reassurance—we send the message: “You are capable, and I believe in you.”
One way to build resilience is by encouraging problem-solving. Instead of immediately fixing a situation, ask your child questions that help them find their own solutions: “What do you think we could do to fix the broken tower?” This approach fosters a sense of agency and competence.
Another key to resilience is teaching children to view setbacks as opportunities for growth. When a child struggles with a task, frame it as a learning experience: “You worked so hard on that puzzle, and even though it was tricky, you kept trying. I’m proud of you for not giving up.” This mindset, known as a “growth mindset,” helps children see effort and perseverance as valuable.
Resilience also requires a supportive environment. Children need to know that no matter how difficult life feels, they are not alone. Simple acts of presence—like listening without distraction or offering a comforting hug—can make all the difference. Resilience grows when children feel safe to express their struggles and know they have a trusted adult to lean on.
The Role of Play and Routine
Play is a natural way for children to process emotions and build resilience. Pretend play, in particular, allows children to “practice” overcoming challenges in a safe, imaginative way. For example, they might act out a scenario where a favorite toy feels sad but is comforted by a friend, mirroring their own need for comfort.
Consistency in daily routines also supports resilience by providing a sense of stability. When children know what to expect, they feel more secure, even during times of stress. This foundation of predictability makes it easier for them to handle emotional and physical challenges.
Leading by Example
Finally, modeling emotional expression and resilience is one of the most effective ways to teach these skills. When we talk openly about our own emotions—“I’m feeling frustrated because I made a mistake, but I’ll try again”—we show children that it’s okay to feel and express a full range of emotions. By demonstrating how to handle setbacks with grace and perseverance, we give them a roadmap for their own growth.
Supporting emotional expression and resilience isn’t about shielding children from hard feelings; it’s about equipping them to navigate those feelings with confidence and strength. By creating an environment where emotions are welcomed and challenges are viewed as opportunities, we empower our children to face life’s ups and downs with courage and hope.
Self-Care for Trauma-Informed Parents
Parenting is demanding under any circumstances, but when you’re approaching it through a trauma-informed lens, the emotional and mental effort can feel even more intense. Caring for a child who is navigating the impacts of trauma or big emotions requires patience, empathy, and resilience. But you can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritizing your own well-being is not selfish; it’s essential to showing up as the steady, compassionate caregiver your child needs.
Why Self-Care Matters
Parenting through a trauma-informed lens often involves holding space for your child’s emotions, behaviors, and needs. This level of emotional presence can be draining, especially if you’re also navigating your own stress or past experiences. Self-care ensures you have the capacity to remain calm and responsive rather than reactive when challenges arise.
When you prioritize self-care, you model for your child what it looks like to tend to emotional and physical needs. Children learn resilience by observing it, and when they see you take steps to care for yourself, they internalize that self-care is a healthy and important part of life.
Practical Self-Care Strategies for Parents
1. Mindfulness Practices
Mindfulness is not just a tool for parenting; it’s a way to recharge and ground yourself. Even a few moments of deep breathing, a brief guided meditation, or simply tuning into the sensations of the present moment can help you regulate your emotions and respond thoughtfully to your child. For example, before engaging in a difficult conversation or managing a meltdown, pause to take three deep breaths. This small act can make a significant difference in your ability to stay calm and focused.
2. Building a Support Network
Trauma-informed parenting can feel isolating, especially when others don’t understand the approach you’re taking. Surround yourself with a network of supportive friends, family members, or parenting groups who share or respect your perspective. Talking with others who understand can provide both emotional relief and practical advice.
3. Seeking Professional Support
If you’re finding it hard to manage your own emotions or past trauma, working with a therapist or counselor can be invaluable. Therapy can help you unpack your own experiences, develop coping strategies, and feel more equipped to handle the emotional demands of parenting.
4. Setting Boundaries
It’s important to recognize your limits and set boundaries to protect your energy. This might mean saying no to extra commitments, asking for help with household responsibilities, or carving out specific times for rest and relaxation.
5. Prioritizing Basic Needs
The basics—sleep, nutrition, hydration, and movement—are often the first to go when life feels overwhelming. Yet they are foundational to your ability to parent effectively. Small, consistent changes, like going to bed 30 minutes earlier or taking a walk during lunch, can have a big impact on your overall well-being.
6. Creating Joyful Rituals
Self-care isn’t only about addressing stress; it’s also about replenishing joy. Whether it’s savoring a cup of coffee in the morning, listening to your favorite music, or taking a few minutes to write in a journal, find small, meaningful activities that bring you a sense of calm or happiness.
Self-Compassion: The Heart of Self-Care
Perhaps the most important element of self-care for trauma-informed parents is practicing self-compassion. Parenting is hard, and it’s easy to feel guilty when you fall short of your own expectations. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect; you just have to be present and committed. Speak to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend: “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”
The Ripple Effect of Self-Care
When you prioritize your well-being, the benefits extend far beyond yourself. A regulated, emotionally available parent creates an environment of safety and stability for their child. Your calm presence helps your child feel secure and models the emotional regulation skills they need to navigate their own feelings and challenges.
By taking care of yourself, you’re not just recharging your own battery—you’re nurturing the resilience and emotional health of your entire family. Self-care is not a luxury; it’s an essential part of trauma-informed parenting, allowing you to meet your child’s needs while honoring your own.
Conclusion
Parenting through a trauma-informed lens is a journey of compassion, understanding, and connection. It’s about looking beyond behaviors to the emotions and needs underneath, creating a safe and predictable environment, and fostering resilience through empathy and support. This approach requires patience—not just with your child but also with yourself. Remember, your presence and effort are what matter most. By prioritizing both your child’s emotional growth and your own self-care, you’re building a foundation of trust, healing, and hope that will shape not just their childhood but their future. You are doing important, meaningful work—one moment of connection at a time.
At Everyday Parenting, we believe in empowering families to create meaningful connections and navigate challenges with compassion and confidence. Whether you're seeking strategies to address specific behaviors or simply want to strengthen your family bond, we’re here to support you every step of the way. Contact us today to learn how our evidence-based approaches can help your family thrive.